Where do you go for help when the places that are meant to support you are the reason you need help?
The biggest stressors in my life have and continue to be interactions with systems of the state.
I am one of many people who has been in and out of mental health services for the majority of their life. I left my most recent service at the start of this year, which alongside other medical interactions, left me with more medical trauma than I started with. It came as no surprise to me to be subsequently dropped into another practically identical service with no additional support or consideration of my needs, only this time, in the exact same building and with the same practitioners that had previously caused me so much harm. I went through with it to appear compliant.
But I don’t want “support” that is just disguised systemic oppression.
Mental health services think you’re “too young” to be disabled and don’t know how to support you if you struggle to sit for an hour of therapy, medical practitioners think the problems are all in your head and suggest deep breathing and mindfulness. But if I don’t attend these places and show a fake interest in them, what does that look like on my medical records? What does that look like to the DWP? I know to me it looks like keeping myself safe from harm. But to everyone else it falls under the labels of “complicated” and “non-compliant”. In all these places you’re thinking about what your name is, what your pronouns are, who knows what, who you don’t want to know certain things. You can never be safe. You can never show up as yourself. How are you ever meant to heal as a fragmented person?
On top of that, we are all trying to survive in this world. I said in my most recent assessment that those who say they are ‘fine’ are the ones that are really sick. I don’t need to list off the distressing and traumatic events that are happening in the world. I know you know. The state is the biggest threat to my mental health and safety and those that I care about. We are constantly trying to survive the state killing us, so how could it possibly ever help us?
The narrative for a long time has been that we need more funding for mental health services to be better. I disagree. Sure, funding would be helpful in terms of speeding up waiting lists and making provision widespread across the country. But you might as well throw the cash into the fire that the state is warming its hands by. If we are not fighting against systemic oppression within and outside of mental health services, we will continue to find the same problems.
Of course people are struggling more with their mental health, why wouldn’t they be? The world is on fire and our bodies and minds know it. Therapy isn’t going to help you if you’re feeling suicidal because you can’t afford your rent. If the state wants you dead, you’re probably not going to be feeling like you have “a state of mental well-being that enables people to cope with the stresses of life, realize your abilities, learn well and work well, and contribute to your community” (the World Health Organisation’s definition of mental health). Under capitalism, the solution is always going to be money.
I have no faith or trust in systems helping me with any of my healthcare, but particularly my mental health. I acknowledge that I have to work alongside these systems but I also know they aren’t worth investing time in for genuine support. They have fragmented my being and my narrative. They are obsessed with the labels they can put on me rather than ever looking inwards at themselves. We will always be made to be seen as the problem. We have not failed within systems, systems have failed us. They were not created for us.
Systems will never be there for us, but communities will be. In communities I have not felt alone. I’ve not felt insane. I’ve not felt bad or evil or complicated. The state has made me think this way about myself. The state has made me this way. I’m learning more and more that change, healing, and hope has been and always will be outside of systems. It’s in the whispers we share. It’s in the moments we unite to fight back. It’s when we show up for each other every damn day.
In the words of Shira Hassan ‘We do not have to do it alone: we save each other’s lives, back and forth, always’.
Mental Healthcare in a Failing State
This blog is part of our new series, “Mental Healthcare in a Failing State”. All the blogs in the series, when published, will be added here.